So it feels like another day,

As titled, it feels like another day, depression, sadness, discomfort, regrets, it feels like today is supposed to be one of the happiest days of the year yet it seems like nothing anyone does is breaking me out of this depression. I am thankful for the gifts others have given me but I just feel like so much is missing from my life today like there's really no meaning to the day of Christmas anymore to me. I wanted to spend the day with family have a fun enjoyful evening but instead I'm in my room right now just wanting to vent out how I feel. Music is on seems like that's the only thing I want to listen to beside anyone. I just miss having the meaning of Christmas being what it used to be. There's no meaning to the day anymore to me. Call me Scrooge but it's true. I wanted to be around both families and didn't, I only get to see my moms family once a year unless there's a death or some other occasion going on which is rarely. I hate pretending that days could get better when really they tend to be like a rollercoster ride; there is more downfalls in my life right now than highlights which to me is very depressing to me. I don't want to kill myself but then again I wish something horrible would happen, like something tragic just so then everyone could come to the realization of what is really important in life. I had fun at my friend Jorge's family house but then at the same time it didn't feel like Christmas non of the less. Well I don't feel like really writing anymore so I'm just going to go for now.